Contrast & Friction

I’ve never been average, at anything. I’m a workaholic, an overachiever, and a perfectionist. I have never been able to settle for second best, and luckily for me, I’ve rarely had too. I can’t even feel emotion normally. I’m always balancing precariously at one extreme or the other. I’m the sort of person who walks into a room and radiates emotion so intensely, that other people feel exactly what I’m feeling.

Between positive and negative, there’s zero. Between good and bad, there’s nothing. I don’t believe in a middle ground for emotion. I never thought I’d wish to be ordinary, but right now, I wish for this more than anything. I just want to feel ordinary, okay, normal, average. But, how can you be something that you don’t even believe in?

To me, life is just a cruel waiting game. We play out our little lives – studying, working, and falling in and out of love – as though it’s all that matters. But, it doesn’t matter what happens to us while we’re here, because once we’re gone, it becomes insignificant. No one cares how much more money you earned after your promotion, or what your first boyfriend’s name was, because after everything you still come to the same end - You’ll be found on the floor, lying in a pool of your own shit and urine because your body betrayed you. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’ve done, death is ungrateful and undignified and none of us escape it.

However, I still want to join the game. I think settling for ordinary is the only option I have. That way, when death inevitably knocks at my door, I’ll feel like a winner. I can’t be disappointed if I don’t expect anything extraordinary from my existence.The question is; how do I settle for less when I know I am capable of so much more?

 *Picture can be found here

I had an interesting conversation with someone today, who believes that we directly control everything in our lives. She believes that because we perceive our lives in certain ways, we unconsciously influence what happens next. I really don’t know if I agree. Although I believe that we have some degree of control over our lives, I don’t know if I agree that we can change certain events by simply perceiving them differently.

Take my rheumatoid arthritis for example. Sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented this in some way - if only I could have taken different measures to avoid ending up with this diagnosis. But, this is usually only when I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed with everything. I don’t think that I had a choice in the matter. But, I believe that I have a choice now. I can choose to let this disease beat me, or I can fight it and lead a relatively normal life. At first, I wasn’t sure if I was going to fight or not, but now the choice is simple. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life practically house-bound. I don’t want to wake up every morning and wonder why I’m even bothering. I don’t want to let this disease destroy my joints until I can no longer move. I understand the progressive nature of rheumatoid arthritis, but that does not mean there is no hope. I have my entire life to look forward too, and I plan to make the most of it. 

 So maybe she was right to some extent. I don’t think we’re always given a choice about the situations we find ourselves in. However, I do think we have control over how we choose to deal with these situations. We can choose to make the most of what life gives us. I think that no matter how bad a situation seems, there is always a positive to be gained from experiencing it.

So, this is my blog.

Welcome!

*image source here